Just Wanna Share Something~

First~

June 26, 2008

“First love is a little foolish and a lot of curiosity.”
- George Bernard Shaw

After watching the korean drama The Bird, i somehow felt the memories of yesterday coming back. I then remembered my first love…

I was on my first year and first day of school in college when i saw him entered in our room. He sat on one of the chairs in front of me and started chatting with the other students.He caught my attention when i heard his voice and noticed his cute smile. Even though he wears glasses, i can still see how beautiful his eyes are. Minutes have passed and other students that belongs to my class entered the room. He stoped chatting and walked in front of the class. He wrote his name on the board and then i realized that he will be our professor. ^^

Days have passed and i got more and more attracted to him. I somehow felt excited every tuesdays and thursdays for i can see him again during the class. To get more of his attention, i studied so hard on his subject and do advanced reading for me to be able to participate in his class. I am a shy type of person. But then, during his class, i never show it. I participate on the discussion and even debate to some of my classmates and do everything i can to please him. And it worked. Day by day, i noticed that he starts having more attention on me. Whenever he asks my opinions on a certain topic, he sit down on his chair and listen to what i will be saying. And every meeting on his subject is my Grant Hill moment. I also knew that he is into reading books and that made me indulge myself into reading books particularly novels.Because of that, i always carry a book and read it during the break time and bring it to his class.That was also the time when i got to buy some cosmetics and began too concious with my hair and how i look. That is why before his subject i make it sure that do look good and my hair is pretty neat. He even asked for my number but we rarely send message to each other.

One time, after the class, he approached me and chatted with me for a while. He told me that he was amazed on how i was able to compete with the older students in his class. After a while he noticed that i have a book with me and began asking if i also love reading. I told him that i was just beginning to read and haven’t read much books because i am more into reading articles on the internet. And that conversation made my whole week! I was always so happy just by imagining his face and his smile. I can’t even talk tpo others because because i always think of him. I become more and more eager to get closer to him. I thought he can be mine. I thought falling in love with him is okay.. My mistake!

One afternoon, on my way home, i saw him sitting on a shed. I was planning to approach him to have some chat. But then before my first step, there was a young girl who approached him and gave him a hug. And after that girl a woman, looks like his wife, approached him and kissed him. I thought i was only dreaming.. I want this to become a dream. He can’t be mine.. How the hell i didn’t know that he already has a wife and a daughter. i just got back on my senses when i felt a tear rolled on my left eye and seeing him staring at me.. And then i turned back and ran. I was really hurt. On my way home, i went to a mall and shed my tears inside the restroom cubicle. It wasn’t his fault..it was mine.. I was so stupid not to know it earlier.. But why the hell he would even tell me? He only see me as his student, nothing more, and nothing less. i was the only one dreaming that he is also feeling the same way. I knew i was really in love with him because i was hurt so much. I don;t want to read books and seeing even a small pocketbook makes me remind of him and that scene where i saw his family.

I really cried so hard that night. I don’t know that it would hurt this much. I can’t even stop myself from crying and i don’t even go out of my room. My Dad thought that i was studying since it was our final period and that i don;t wanna be disturb. Days have passed and i can still remember how i felt during the moment when i saw his wife. He didn’t even knew that he hurted me. But litle by little i realized that i should move on and go on with my life. It will be a big mistake to go against what is right. I should stand up and continue living for my self. If i excelled on my academics because of him, i can still do it even without him.

Even though i was really hurt and don’t know what will i do to move even a little step away from him, i still looked on the brighter side of it. Because of him, i appreciated my studies. And because of him, i got to go out on my own shell and discover my inner skills. Since it will be our final examination, i studied so hard to forget him and to have good grades not anymore for him, but now for my parents who works so hard so that they could provide me eveything i needed.

The day came for my final examination on his subject. I somehow got nervous and i don;t know how am i gonna enter the room and face him. But then, i will be so stupid if i will not go;ing to take my exam just because of him. So i entered the room and found my other classmates already answering their test paper. ANd on the other side of the room, there he is, smiling so sweetly on him,i smiled back on him and then approached him to get my questionaire and the answer sheet. While answering, i felt so nervous and that my hands were really shaking. I even dropped my pen few times and i was really sweting even though the aircon is on its lowest temperature. Sometimes i secretly look at him and notice that he is looking at me while i was answering on my answer sheet. That made me sweat more and become concious. But i didn’t mind it. I still managed to answer all the questions but because i felt so tense, i didn’t noticed that i was the last person who passed my paper. I left the room still shaking and tense. But i felt good now.. I still feel the hurt but not so severe this time,. I can now manage to smile. After few days, i finally got my grades and it was all good. And on his subject i was the one on the top. I am not expecting it but i really felt good. I then wanted to thank him for bringing out the best in me. And so i made a note and will give it to him if i got the chance. I entered the faculty room, and luckily he wasn’t there. SO i sneaked my note on his table, on the place where he can see it, and then went out as fast as i can.

This was my note :

Sir,

Thanks so much everything.. Even you didnt realized it, you have bring out the best in me and helped me go out of my shell. Thanks for being an inspiration. You made me become my true self and discover more what is in me. I thank God for meeting such a special person like you.. You will always be in my prayers.

I have a crush on you but.. never mind

PS : By the way, you might be interested, i found and article about Jose Rizal that tells the rumor that he was the father of Hitler. You came first on my mind when i found that article. Just think of it as a token of my appreciation for being such a nice person and iuntelligent professor… Take care always…

_ANONYMOUS_

I don’t want him to know that it came from me. I just want him to know that someone appreciates what he is doing. And he changed the life of someone by helping me spread my wings and fly with courage. But then, the night when i came home, i received a message coming from him saying :

I know that i was from you.. Thanks so much. You’re a good student who strives for the best. Continue what you are doing. I can see that you have the potentials and that you can go far. Just be strong always and i know that someday, you will find the man who is more worthy of your love. You have a friend here.. You are also included on my prayers.

And then came another message from him…

And by the way, thank you so much for the article.. It was really interesting. I might share it with my students. Take care always!

I cried reading those message.. But it was not anymore tears of sadness, but of joy. He is really smart,maybe that’s why i fell in love with him. I was a little sad because i can’t see him anymore for, i will be trasferring to another branch of my same school. But i was really happy during the past six months for i have discovered another me, and i grow up as a better woman though I know i still have a long way to go.

That’s it, the story of my first love… And remembering it brings smile on my face. I still remember his face and his name and every lessons he have taught me. How can i even forget someone who played a special role in my life? But he is now a part of my memory- a part of my past who have contributed much on all the lessons in life that i have learned. What i heard about him is that, he is now on the states with his family and still a professor. Before ending this entry, i would like to share you a video which i can totaly relate with..